Talking shit
There has been a bit of frustration around the MattyZees household for the couple of days. Firstly, I have started the big job search. Which has only resulted in sending off one email, and then following up with hours on the PS2, playing Final Fantasy X. Which isn't really that frustrating. But now I've been hit with the fact that I have very little money and a big trip to Echuca on the weekend (not even worrying about the bills at this stage!).
Secondly, and probably the most frustrating thing at the moment would have to be what has become known as 'toilet-bowl-too-smallitis.' It isn't something that is funny while it is happening, but in hindsight - it's bloody hilarious. It is a problem that our family has only a handful of times a year, but it is a major problem. It basically comes down to my younger brothers bowel problem, for those of you that don't know him, he's a happy go lucky kid. Always happy and chirpy, and rarely gets the shits. Which is the problem. Because of this problem, he gets what I'll call ... Trying to be diplomatic ... Blockages. These blockages over time build up, until, when he's got to go, he's got to go!
Lo and behold, 45 minutes later, a lot thinner and a lot more relaxed younger brother re-appears from the small room and rejoins the family. But unknown to the rest of the family, he has left the rest of us a gift. This gift was discovered by Beckz, who yelled the house down upon it's discovery. Not really caring too much about Beckz, we let her crack the shits and blame everyone on conspiring against her for leaving such a foul little present in the toilet. Nothing further was really said about it until after taking excessive amounts of caffeine, I was forced to answer natures call. As I lifted the seat I was confronted with what I can only describe as quite possibly the biggest piece of shit that I have ever come across in my entire life. Because of the enormity of this turd, I simply can not bring myself to look at it while taking a slash. So I was left with the only possible option. Flush it.
As the water was flushing down the bowl, I was looking down with the biggest grin on my face, thinking I had won the war. Then, I was confronted with a terrible sight. It hadn't moved! Again flushing, I thought, no way. This sucker was going down. So with the next flush, I thought, maybe now I would be able to take a piss without this monster looking back up at me. How stupid of me, it still did not move. I was beginning to get a bit frustrated, this piece of shit after 2 consecutive flushes, had not moved, let alone flushed. It was quite upsetting, so conceding defeat, I went out the back and did my business the old fashioned way. I conceded that, yes, the battle was lost, but not the war.
Two days later, we had finally won. It took a total of 24 flushes (that we counted) to get rid of. My brother, still today denies all knowledge of his involvement of the incident. He is more embarrassed about it than anything. But, why would you be embarrassed about it? The boy has a gift! If I could clog up a toilet with one piece of shit, I would be the proudest man alive. You would see me at every major shopping centre in the state, clogging toilets everywhere, just for something to laugh about. It's like a really good fart. Let a good one rip, and you sit there, silently smiling, and admiring your handiwork. Fair enough, the only time that I'd speak up and say 'Shit, cop a whiff of that, ain't she a beauty?!' is at a softball piss up, or in the presence of my mum, But regardless of where you let rip, you always take a deep breath in and think 'shouldn't have had that bowl of baked beans,' yet you still savour the flavour and be proud - it's a part of life.
Coming up... Controversial Article #3. Skank ho's in terrible clothes.
Secondly, and probably the most frustrating thing at the moment would have to be what has become known as 'toilet-bowl-too-smallitis.' It isn't something that is funny while it is happening, but in hindsight - it's bloody hilarious. It is a problem that our family has only a handful of times a year, but it is a major problem. It basically comes down to my younger brothers bowel problem, for those of you that don't know him, he's a happy go lucky kid. Always happy and chirpy, and rarely gets the shits. Which is the problem. Because of this problem, he gets what I'll call ... Trying to be diplomatic ... Blockages. These blockages over time build up, until, when he's got to go, he's got to go!
Lo and behold, 45 minutes later, a lot thinner and a lot more relaxed younger brother re-appears from the small room and rejoins the family. But unknown to the rest of the family, he has left the rest of us a gift. This gift was discovered by Beckz, who yelled the house down upon it's discovery. Not really caring too much about Beckz, we let her crack the shits and blame everyone on conspiring against her for leaving such a foul little present in the toilet. Nothing further was really said about it until after taking excessive amounts of caffeine, I was forced to answer natures call. As I lifted the seat I was confronted with what I can only describe as quite possibly the biggest piece of shit that I have ever come across in my entire life. Because of the enormity of this turd, I simply can not bring myself to look at it while taking a slash. So I was left with the only possible option. Flush it.
As the water was flushing down the bowl, I was looking down with the biggest grin on my face, thinking I had won the war. Then, I was confronted with a terrible sight. It hadn't moved! Again flushing, I thought, no way. This sucker was going down. So with the next flush, I thought, maybe now I would be able to take a piss without this monster looking back up at me. How stupid of me, it still did not move. I was beginning to get a bit frustrated, this piece of shit after 2 consecutive flushes, had not moved, let alone flushed. It was quite upsetting, so conceding defeat, I went out the back and did my business the old fashioned way. I conceded that, yes, the battle was lost, but not the war.
Two days later, we had finally won. It took a total of 24 flushes (that we counted) to get rid of. My brother, still today denies all knowledge of his involvement of the incident. He is more embarrassed about it than anything. But, why would you be embarrassed about it? The boy has a gift! If I could clog up a toilet with one piece of shit, I would be the proudest man alive. You would see me at every major shopping centre in the state, clogging toilets everywhere, just for something to laugh about. It's like a really good fart. Let a good one rip, and you sit there, silently smiling, and admiring your handiwork. Fair enough, the only time that I'd speak up and say 'Shit, cop a whiff of that, ain't she a beauty?!' is at a softball piss up, or in the presence of my mum, But regardless of where you let rip, you always take a deep breath in and think 'shouldn't have had that bowl of baked beans,' yet you still savour the flavour and be proud - it's a part of life.
Coming up... Controversial Article #3. Skank ho's in terrible clothes.
posted by Matty Zees at 5:10 PM
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