Podium Perils...

Well, well, well. There appears to be a lot of talk recently in regards to etiquette these days, not only in the blogger community, but amongst friends also. After spending the bulk of the night at the Spy lounge before injuring my ankle in a nasty podium accident, I have decided to dedicate this post to etiquette of the podium.
I for one, am all for dancing on the podium. But only when there is good music, DJ's and sound systems. Which is why I am rarely seen dancing on at the Tudor, let alone on the podium. But back to the subject at hand. As someone who has been clubbing at many of Melbourne's clubs (and the Tudor is not counted as I refuse to call it a club, merely a gathering of people in a pub on a Friday night) for the best part of six years, I get very pissed off that people are selfish enough to not even obey the most common sense rules of the podium. When people are mixed with small elevated areas, and alcohol is thrown into the equation, podiums can become not only a place where one can make a total dick of themselves, but someone can also be injured. So here is a list of basic rules which I have abided by in my years of the art known as podium dancing. Some of these can also be applied to the dancefloor.

1) The "podium" is most commonly used for activities such as dancing. People that get onto the podium for the sole reason of getting a better view of the people below are not welcome. I for one get on the podium to dance, not to have a chat, not to finish my drink and most definitely not to pash some stranger in an exposed place (so she can be used as a trophy to show that "yeah, look at me! I got the hot blonde chick with the big tits").
2) Dancing is not standing still with your arms crossed tapping your right foot and nodding your head to the beat.
3) Hugging your mate and jumping up and down all over the podium is not the safest idea, especially when it is used as an attempt to mask your inability to dance. Several people were almost knocked off the podium last night due to two dickheads performing this stupid maneuver. It is not safe, and it makes you look like a fuckhead. If you want to see proof of this, go see Kimmy dance at the Tudor on a Friday night.

4) Just because you like one song, it doesn't mean you have exclusive rights to jump on the podium, dance till the song has finished and get off again. I don't mind if you are going to jump onto the podium, but if you are going to tell another person to get off in your place you are way out of line (and no this did not happen to me, but to a poor gent that spent the bulk of his night on the podium enjoying himself).

5) The podium is not a bar. Do not put your drinks or other personal belongings onto it.

6) When the podium becomes unsafe (the podium last night, consisted of two pool tables stuck side by side with a couple of bits of wood chucked on top), for instance, the two sections of the podium come apart and then there is a large gap in the middle. Don't push other people into the unsafe part in your rush to get to a safe spot. There were three people that I counted last night that either got hurt or their foot stuck in the section where the podium separated. I had to help one poor guy get his foot out of the gap (there were four if you count me and my ankle).

7) I don't think that this one should be compulsory, but I'll note it anyway. Smoking on the podium is fine, just be careful when you're waving your arms around. People have been burnt before. If I want a smoke, I'll get off, smoke it and get back on.

8) This one is more directed at club management. It is all well and good to hire dancers to dance on your podiums, but when people are dancing on them and the dancer decides, "right, I better do my job now" and gets up on the podium, the person that has been dancing on it for the last half hour should not be chucked off. Either don't employ the dancers, or ban punters from getting on in the first place. People pay good money not only to get in, but pay extraordinary amounts of money on drinks, have a bit more respect for them.

9) Don't call your friends up to dance when the podium is already chockers. There is nothing more stupid than the dumb person dancing on the podium by herself who wants her friends to join her because she is too embarrassed to be seen dancing with people she doesn't know. If the podium is full, do not get more people up there. If you are too shy to dance on the podium, or can't handle being away from your friends, it's simple - don't get on!